The Practical War
by Delas
Summary: A fic about a practical joke war between Optimus Prime and Rodimus Prime with Ultra Magnus caught in the middle. And Ratchet doing jobs for both sides. Ch 8 up! Review too... I need inspiration.
1. Ugh crap!

Transformers and any characters in this story do not belong to me. They belong to whoever made them. I forgot who exactly). 

Well here ya go. A fic that doesn't honestly go anywhere. It's supposed to be funny. I wrote this during a caffeine high (I can see you all nodding, you know what I'm talking about) so bare with me if it's a little… odd. *wink wink* And don't get mad if it doesn't really follow any Transformer story line. I figured the only people who would read this would be my friends who know nothing. Literally. Well anyways, enjoy my weirdness! Told in Ultra Magnus' POV. Constructive criticism is appreciated. ^_^ SO REVIEW DAMNIT… please! ;)  
  
  
  
                                                                                                **The Practical War  
  
                                                                                                       By Delas  
  
  
  
This was war. An all out, last man standing, no holds barred, war between the Primes. I suppose that probably makes it about a billion times worse than it should be. And Primus help the poor soul who got caught in the middle of it. Which was exactly the situation Ultra Magnus found himself in.  
  
Our story begins! *drum roll*  
  
I was, of course, sitting innocently in my office, diligently working on a report about a recent Decepticon energon raid when Rodimus burst into my office. Normally when this happens, any miscellaneous alien or some super assassin or something is attacking him. Which is why I thought it prudent to hide under my desk. Better safe than sorry, that's my motto. Last time Rodimus showed up, I got shot in the ass. No joke. Besides being supremely embarrassed, I couldn't sit down for a week. Really cuts into my social life if you know what I mean.  
  
After a few seconds or so, no gunfire had found its way into my ass and I decided that Primus took pity on me. I rose from my desk barricade and sat down in my chair, swiveling around to face Rodimus. He was giving me the weirdest look.  
  
"Ultra Magnus, what are you doing?" He was giving me a look that quite clearly said 'what're _you high on?!'.  
  
"I dropped something on the floor." I said smoothly.  
  
"Riiiiiiiiight." He said, disbelieving. "That's not what it looked like from here."  
  
"Did you come here for a reason? Or did you just come here to SHOOT ME IN THE ASS AGAIN?!" I screamed at him, more than a little irritated.  
  
Rodimus managed to look sheepish. "Sorry."  
  
"Whatever." I grumbled.  
  
"Well anyways, I came here for something very serious Magnus." He said, looking all grim.  
  
"Oh?" I tried to look interested, but all I could think of was a Quintesson bursting through the wall to slaughter everything in its path. Worst-case scenario, I'm sure, but I'm pretty damn paranoid.  
  
"I've come to claim sanctuary!"  
  
"Sanctuary?" I repeated, shocked. "Does this __look like a damn church to you?!"  
  
He waved a hand at me. "A technicality."  
  
"Sanctuary from who?"  
  
With a furtive look around the room, he lowered his vocals and whispered,  
  
"Optimus."  
  
"Optimus?" I asked, now seriously confused.  
  
"Yes" He said, looking thoroughly miserable. I sighed inwardly. I recognized that look. __Ugh… I'm getting too old for this  
  
"What did you do this time Rodimus?" I grounded out.  
  
Twitching nervously he said, "I didn't do anything __major this time."  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO RODIMUS?" I practically screamed at him.  
  
He winced. "I put ink in his energon."  
  
I stared at him in astonishment. I, personally, thought it would be something a tad bit more severe. So, using my amazing powers of deduction, I decided he was leaving out something. Something important.  
  
My voice dangerously low I asked, "And?"  
  
Rodimus tried without success to look innocent. "And?"  
  
I fixed him with my evil eye. I pride myself in the powers of my evil eye. __No one can resist! Muahahhaahahaha I could see that cowering in the corner was looking pretty good to him right now. A poor excuse for an Autobot leader if you ask me, but I'm pretty sure you're not going to.  
  
"Well," he began nervously, "I-It started like this. Optimus started a football league--"  
  
"A what league?" I cut him off, honestly having no idea what he was talking about.  
  
He waved a hand at me, a gesture which, in my opinion, practically screams 'idiot' but I decided to ignore it. I'm sure Optimus would take offence to the fact that I beheaded his second in command.  
  
"It's a human sport! You know, the one with the ball?  
  
I looked him dead in the eye. "Rodimus," I said calmly, "There has got to be __hundreds of human sports involving a ball in some way. I think you're going to have to be a little bit more specific than that."  
  
He gave me a blank look. "Huh?"  
  
I looked heavenward, silently praying for Primus to have pity on my poor soul and let loose a thunderbolt of doom to strike Rodimus dead.  
  
No such luck. When I looked back down, he was still standing there. __Primus, you are a cruel, cruel god  
  
"Just never mind, I'm pretty sure I know what you're talking about. Continue."  
  
Looking slightly confused, he did. "Well anyways, Optimus started a football league. I think he said he was tired of walking out onto the grounds and being hit in the face with a football. Rumor has it it's happened at least six times."  
  
"He wears a mask. I highly doubt it hurts."  
  
"I think it's the principle of it."  
  
"Ah." I nodded in understanding.  
  
"So he built a football field and organized teams 'n games."  
  
"So __that's what all the hype had been about!"  
  
Rodimus looked at me incredibly. "You mean you didn't know? It'd been going on for months! Only an idiot wouldn't know about it!"  
  
My eyes flashed dangerously but I don't think he noticed.  
  
"Or someone without a social life." He added.  
  
I growled. I was this close to ripping his sneering head off. My fingers twitched, already imagining wrapping around his little neck and squeezing.  
  
"So anyway," he said hastily, "The Cyberbowl was today-"  
  
"The Cyberbowl?" I asked, trying really hard not to laugh.  
  
He glared. "Don't interrupt."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"So the game today was between the Primes and the Ironhides."  
  
"The Primes? Is that Optimus' team?"  
  
"Yup, against Kup's team. He named them in honor of Ironhide."  
  
"But they hated each other." I felt inclined to point out.  
  
Rodimus shrugged. "Maybe he felt bad about it."  
  
I sniggered. "I'm sure."  
  
He gave me a look and continued. "Well this game was rather important. You wouldn't believe some of the bets going on! There was one were Springer told Chromia he'd --"  
  
"No!" I cut him off. "For the sake of my sanity, no details!"  
  
"Right." He said, then winked at me.  
  
I felt like crying.  
  
"Just get on with the story."  
  
"So anyways, this game was rather interesting. Both Optimus and Kup managed to find a 'secret weapon', so to speak, and the game was a stalemate for like… four hours I think."  
  
"Secret weapons?" I asked, almost positive I didn't want to know.  
  
"Oh, it was brilliant!" he grinned. "Kup managed to blackmail Arcee into joining his team."  
  
My eyes widened at the thought of that sexy hunk of metal. She's such a babe.  
  
Catching my look, Rodimus laughed. "Yeah, that's what everybody else thought. Every guy on the field wanted to tackle her."  
  
"Hell yes! I wish I was on the team!" I exclaimed. A few tackles, a little touch here and there.  
  
"Heh. She put eight people in the hospital for… er… unwanted physical contact. We tried to tell her that was the point of the game, but she ignored us."  
  
"On second thought, I like my desk job." I decided.  
  
"You don't have a desk job."  
  
"Shut up Rodimus. It was a figure of speech."  
  
"Oh."  
  
I think I've had about enough of Rodimus for one day. For an Autobot leader, you'd think he'd be slightly more educated. I guess you can't have everything.  
  
"So what did Optimus do?" I asked, genuinely curious. I personally didn't see any possible way to stop Arcee from being sexy. It was scientifically impossible.  
  
"Ingenious really… He dragged Blurr off to see Ratchet--"  
  
"Blurr?" I asked, cutting him off.  
  
"Oh yeah, that was Optimus' secret weapon. Turns out Blurr runs about as fast as he talks." Rodimus explained.  
  
"Heh, Figures." I picked up my mug of energon-equivalent coffee and took a sip.  
  
Rodimus continued. "So Optimus takes Blurr down to Ratchet and had him neutered--"  
  
The energon I was drinking sprayed out of my mouth. I coughed frantically for several seconds before I can get enough air to gasp, "What?!"  
  
Rodimus grinned wickedly. "Just joking, Magnus."  
  
I just stared at him in shock. Then, grabbing my mug, I chucked it at his head. It connected with a dull THUNK and Rodimus fell to the floor. He twitched once or twice, then went completely still.  
  
"I'm getting too old for this." I muttered to no one in particular before stalking out of my office.  
  
I stood outside, fuming. I seriously think Primus is picking on me today. Life sucks.  
  
I calmed down a bit before I walked back into my office and sat back down in my beloved swivel chair. __Deep breaths Magnus. Deep breaths_**


	2. Woah, thats harsh

Ha! Here it is, chapter 2! These characters don't belong to me, so don't sue me or I'll blow your head off with a bazooka! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Ok, I'll be quiet now.  
  
  
  
Rodimus groaned and opened his eyes. Then he screamed.  
  
Hastily I clamped my hand over his mouth. I wouldn't want any people walking by to get the wrong idea. I've gotten enough weird looks as it is.  
  
After a few seconds his screams died down. He yanked my hand off and glared at me.  
  
"Don't scare me like that!" he hissed.  
  
"Scare you? How the hell did I scare you?"  
  
"You would scream too if you woke up and the first thing you saw was the face of Ultra Magnus!" he declared.  
  
"There's a fine line between stupidity and death and you're skirting it." I whisper dangerously. It didn't come out quite right but he's too stupid to know the difference.  
  
He flinched and leaned back. "Fine, sheesh! Don't have a cow old man!"  
  
I chose to ignore the old man comment. I've had way too much stress lately. I need a vacation. Or a woman. A woman would be nicer.  
  
I grabbed Rodimus by the shoulders and heaved him to his feet and not so kindly threw him into the nearest chair.  
  
"Sit down, shut up, and finish the damn story before I hand you over to Optimus!"  
  
Rodimus looked scandalized. "No need to get hostile, we're all on the same side."  
  
I snorted. "Yeah, and my mother was a Decepticon."  
  
"No, actually, she wasn't. You don't have a mother."  
  
"Just shut up Rodimus."  
  
Rodimus frowned. Cool, I think I got him mad! Rodimus drew himself up to his full height, which to be honest isn't a whole lot. But I was sitting down, so I had to look up to look him in the eye.  
  
"Watch your mouth Ultra Magnus!" he roared down at me. He sounded kind of like a mouse. "I outrank your sorry ass and I'll demote you back to private for insubordination if you don't clean up your act!"  
  
I stared up at him incredually. After getting over the shock of hearing him say a 15 letter word, I was using every ounce of my willpower not to just burst out laughing. The thought of him demoting me for any reason was ludicrous, at best. Deciding to take pity on his poor soul for being so confused about the current situation, I stood up and draped my arm around his shoulder.  
  
"Now Rodimus," I began, talking very slowly and clearly, "If you ever even think about messing with my rank, I'll cash in every bit of blackmail I have on your scrawny ass. I'm sure by the time I'm finished, Optimus will have shipped your ever so sorry ass to Antarctica to watch over baby seals until you die. Is that how you want your illustrious career to end?"  
  
"No." he answered meekly.  
  
"Now that we have an understanding, you're going to sit down and we're going to finish this conversation without any more incidents."  
  
"Righty o then!" he said brightly. I swear this guy is like a teenager. His hormones switch his mood every twenty seconds. Do robots have hormones? "So where was I?"  
  
"Blurr." I prompted.  
  
"Ah yes. Optimus took Blurr down to see Ratchet. Since nobody really cares about him, they decided to mess around with his head."  
  
"What'd they do?" I asked, curiosity peaked.  
  
"They made him immune to Arcee's sexiness." He said.  
  
I frowned at him. "I don't think that's possible."  
  
"Oh, it is!" Rodimus exclaimed. "Optimus and Ratchet came up with an ingenious plan. They reprogrammed Blurr's optics. Now Arcee looks like Megatron to him."  
  
I looked at him in astonishment. "How on Cybertron would that help?"  
  
"Well Blurr was always a coward, everyone knows that. Optimus figured that as soon as Blurr saw Megatron he'd run like hell in the opposite direction. So he made Blurr the quarterback and screamed 'Oh my gosh it's Megatron! Ahhhh!' We all thought Optimus was loosing it."  
  
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" I'm seriously doubting the integrity of this story.  
  
"Oh, it gets better." Rodimus assured me. How touching. His mouth spread into a malicious grin. I don't think he realizes he's doing it. I guess spending so much time as Optimus' shadow has warped his little mind into thinking that just because he was second in command, no one could see his facial expressions. Pitiful, yet useful.  
  
"To make a long story short Blurr gets the ball and hears Optimus screaming then sees Arcee. He takes off runnin' into the Primes goal, screaming like a girl the whole time too. The referee was laughing so hard he almost didn't see the touchdown!"  
  
I stared at him wide-eyed. Optimus Prime was a genius! My respect for the man just skyrocketed. Now _he was an Autobot leader unlike a certain someone who shall remain nameless.  
  
"Blurr did it like 40 times! It was the same thing over and over. Optimus would point his finger at Arcee and scream, and Blurr would look and nearly shit his pants (if he had any) and run hysterically into the goal. I think he's going to need a professional psychiatrist by the time we're done with him. It was brilliant." He said, laughing uncontrollably at the memory.  
  
I could only stare at him. It takes a few minutes for him to gain his composure. Completely understandable. I just want to know where __I was during all of this. I really need to get out more. It's kind of embarrassing.  
  
"So after a couple more hours the game finished. They Primes won by a landslide. Everybody thought Optimus was brilliant, if a tad bit insane, so they were all crowding around him giving him a pat of the back." he trailed off, hesitant to continue. He shifted from foot to foot, not staring me in the eye.  
  
"Well?" I narrowed my eyes. "Spit it out already!"  
  
Holding his head low in shame he answered. "I took out a cup of ink and dumped it into the Gatorade container the team drinks out of."  
  
"Gatorade?" I asked.  
  
"It's a human drink. We just filled it with energon instead." He explained.  
  
"Ok, so you dumped ink into the container. What's so bad about that? The worst that would happen is that Optimus drinks it and turns his intakes black. I'm sure he'd be pissed, but I don't think he'd be trying to kill you." I said.  
  
Rodimus nodded miserably. "Yeah, but it gets worse."  
  
I politely decided not to comment.  
  
"As far as I can figure out in my somewhat unsteady situation, Spike secretly told the Primes, Optimus excluded, about a football custom for winning the championship. It's weird, but you take the Gatorade container and dump it onto the winning coach. Well, the Primus thought it was a good idea and…" his voice trailed off and Rodimus stared at the floor.  
  
I was having some serious problems controlling my laughter at this point and I started to snigger uncontrollably. I hastily clamped my hand over my mouth, trying to be quiet. I probably shouldn't laugh but the thought of the look on Optimus' face is __priceless.  
  
Rodimus looks like he's about to cry. "I seriously think he's going to kill me."  
  
"As bad as the situation is, I don't think he'd look good killing his second in command over a practical joke." I reasoned.  
  
"Well __there's always a damn well this isn't the first practical joke I've pulled in the last month or two." He said quietly.  
  
I really don't want to know. The less I know the better. That way I can't get into trouble with Optimus. Ish. He'll still find a way to hold me accountable. After all, he can't be seen yelling at his second command all the time. It's bad for morale.  
  
"Well, why didn't he just wash it off?" I said, trying to make him feel better.  
  
Rodimus looked even more miserable, if it was possible. "It's permanent ink."  
  
I shrugged. He was doomed. End of story. "Your dead. I can't help you."  
  
In a panic, Rodimus leaped over the desk and grabbed me by my shoulders. "You've got to help me! You're my only hope!"  
  
"Oh?" I could definitely get the upper hand in a situation like this.  
  
"Please, I beg you!" he said, actually getting down on his knees. "I don't want to die a horrible gruesome death!" he whimpered. I'd kill for a camera right now. He looks like a lost puppy.  
  
And now I find myself in a sticky situation. I believe Shakespeare had an appropriate phrase for such a situation. 'To help or not to help, that is the question'. Or something like that. Don't look at me, I don't read that stuff!  
  
I looked at Rodimus wearily. "I'll think about it."  
  
He looks pathetic. "But--"  
  
He was cut off by the most terrifying, the most horrifying, the most gruesome, and nightmare-inducing roar I've ever heard. It's Optimus. Oh joy._


	3. Owch

Ok, this chapter is kinda short but I've recently become addicted to Medal of Honor and that's pretty much all that I do. One of these days I think I'm going to go blind from staring at a computer screen so long.. ^_^  
  
  
  
"RODIMUS!" The roar echoed throughout the entire of Fortress Maximus. I swear I heard the window panes rattle.  
  
Rodimus screamed hysterically and ducked under my desk.  
  
A high powered gun was fired just outside my office and my door was blown out of existence. Optimus Prime stalked in through the smoking door frame. He practically radiated destruction and dismemberment.  
  
_Oh man, this can't be good...  
  
Optimus is black. And when I say black, it's an understatement. He's like a friggin' black hole. Either it was some very expensive and very permanent ink or the Gatorade container was pretty darn big. I'm thinking an Olympic- sized pool. __Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh  
  
"Where is he Magnus?" he snarled at me. Down boy, down!  
  
All I really wanted to do right then was dig a hold and crawl in it and die. Fast.  
  
"I-I don't know, sir." I stampered. His evil eye feels like it boring a hole in my stomach. Seriously not cool.  
  
His eyes narrowed. If looks could kill, I'd be splattered against the walls. I don't think he believes me. Hell, __I don't believe me! With a low hum Optimus activated his scanners. He walked slowly about my office, occasionally pausing to open a cabinet or look under a chair. I wanted to point out that Rodimus wasn't quite that small but I didn't think that was such a good idea.  
  
__Act casual, act casual… I tried really hard to make my face as emotionless as possible.  
  
He finished scanning the room, a thoughtful look on his face. He strutted over to my desk. Damn.  
  
"Funny thing," he said cheerily. I'm scared. Very scared. "My scanners show that Rodimus is close by, in this very room to be precise. In fact--" he clenched his hand into a fist and raised it.  
  
__Oh crap… I'm petrified. I think he's going to kill me. I'd like to say my life was flashing before my eyes, but that would be too much of a cliché.  
  
"--he's right under your desk." He swung his hand down and pretty much reduced my desk to toothpicks, revealing a trembling Rodimus.  
  
And me? I'm too happy that I get to live to care about Rodimus. Now that I think about it, I've got someplace to be. Someplace far away. I definitely don't want to be here when hell comes raining. And trust me, it will. And Primus take pity on anyone in a 50 mile radius.  
  
"Hello__ Rodimus." Optimus said. His voice was practically spewing ice cubes, that's how cold he sounded. I wanted __so bad to run away.   
  
Rodimus looked so scared I thought he was going to knock himself offline with a system freeze. One can only hope.  
  
"H-H-Hello Optimus." He stuttered and just sat there. He seemed pretty lost.  
  
Optimus glared at him. I'm sure he was expecting something a little more along the lines of Rodimus kissing his feet or something like that.  
  
"Rodimus, I want you to report to my office when you're done here." The way he said it was fascinating. Not an ounce of emotion. He sounded like Cerebros. Creepy.  
  
"Y-Yes, sir!" Rodimus said and pulled off a shaky salute.  
  
Optimus swiveled around without answering and started through the door. About halfway there he paused and turned back around.  
  
"Rodimus come here."  
  
Looking extremely nervous, Rodimus stood up a walked over to Optimus. Ugh, idiot.   
  
**BAM!  
  
Optimus swung his fist up and smashed it into Rodimus' face. Rodimus flew backwards and crashed into the wall, leaving a nice Rodimus-sized dent on my wall before landing in a heap on the floor. Optimus then turned and stalked out of my office.  
  
We were silent for a minute or two. Then I decided to speak up. "Well… that went pretty well, all things considered. I thought for sure Optimus was going to kill you." I said.  
  
Rodimus just laid there on the floor.  
  
I walked over to him and poked him a few times. "Rodimus?"  
  
Rodimus said something, but it sounded like complete gibberish. I think Optimus broke something. Maybe his brain? That would be funny...  
  
I shook my head. "Rodimus, I think he knocked you clear into next week."  
  
Rodimus could only stare up at me in astonishment. I turned away and sat down in my beloved swivel chair. It had survived the encounter intact. A sound of static came from Rodimus' head. Then he spoke.  
  
"Begun, the Practical War has."  
  
"…"  
  
…Did he just say what I think he just said? I turned my head and looked at him. I was seriously going to smack him. I don't know why, but I had the sudden urge to hit something.  
  
"…Sorry."  
  
Shaking my head at his poorly executed Yoda reference, I stood up and stalked past Rodimus and out my black and toasty door.  
  
"Wait! Magnus! Where are you going?" Rodimus called after me.  
  
I snorted. "To go dig a hole."  
  
…  
  
…  
  
I'm serious.**_


	4. Oh man that's just not right

Ok, here we go. Chapter 4! Took me a while to get it up. Got a little busy with Christmas and all…  got SOCOM: US Navy Seals and that game is soooo addictive and I've been playing it 24/7….  Not to mention my new year's resolution is to drink NO pop…which, if you knew me, you would realize is next to impossible so wish me luck! Well anyways, I hope you enjoy this ^_^  And I'd just like to thank **Kristina who reviewed every chapter, and ****Negaprion**** too!  And to ****Crystal L. Tillman and ****Foxey**** and everyone else who reviewed, you've been a big inspiration!**

**HAPPY NEW YEARS!!**

"Errrr…. I'd rather not." Ratchet said nervously.

"Come on! Don't be such a spoil-sport!" Optimus said earnestly. He was practically jumping up and down in excitement. 

"I don't think it's such a good idea. It's pretty cruel."

"True, it's pretty cruel. But it's also funny as hell, and that counts for something."

Ratchet shifted nervously. "Are you sure this wont get traced back to me?" He looked nervous. Probably didn't want the crap beaten out of him. He's paranoid like that. 

Optimus nodded. "Positive."

Ratchet sighed. "I'm going to regret this, but ok."

"Great! Call me when you're done." Optimus said, grinning. He's scary when he grins like that. 

Ratchet flashed him a weary smile. _I'm getting too old for this Optimus nodded and left the room. Ratchet stared after him, a thoughtful look on his face. I wonder where he gets it from... he never used to be so devious_

Ratchet stared down at the prone form of Rodimus. _I'm really going to regret doing this. Oh well, at least I'm getting paid He picked up some sort of medical tool (A/N: I'm not in the creative mood today) and poked at Rodimus' optics. Nodding to himself, he pulled a long wire out of a drawer. He hooked one end up to Rodimus and the other to his computer. _

Sitting down in his computer chair, he turned on his PC. He opened up the programming for Rodimus' optics and stared at it for a moment. Then he opened Arcee's file.

"This is a piece of cake." Ratchet muttered to himself. "Almost too easy… maybe it's a sign from Primus! I'm destined to make Rodimus' life a living hell. Maybe I should make it a profession. I'd certainly be making more money. Being a mechanic sucks. Too many dead guys and people insisting they're fine. Ha! Like getting an arm chopped off is fine." Ratchet shook his head. "Kids nowadays…."

He glanced over Arcee's file. All it was was a detailed picture of Arcee with just her name under it. He deleted the text under Arcee's picture and carefully typed in 'ULTRA MAGNUS'. Then he opened up Magnus' file and deleted the text under his picture, this time typing in 'ARCEE'.

Ratchet grinned wickedly to himself. As much as he hated to do this, it'd be great to catch something like this on camera! Opening another drawer, he pulled out a tiny camera. "This should do the trick." He quickly installed the camera onto a part of Rodimus' body that we shall not identify here, seeing as it would be incriminating evidence. That done he picked up his phone and paged Optimus.

~~~Somewhere Else~~~

Feeling his pager beep, he unclipped it from his side and glanced at the text message that rode across the tiny screen.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" It read.

"What the hell!? Ratchet has been spending way too much time around Megatron." Optimus said, shaking his head. Putting his pager back in place he hurriedly walked down to Ultra's Magnus' office.

He raised his hand to knock on the door, then realized that there WAS no door. Shrugging, he stepped through the doorframe.  

"Still haven't fixed your door yet?" Optimus asked.

I whirled around in my chair. "Why on Cybertron would I bother getting a new door?! You'd just find another reason to blow it up! It's a waste of money I DON'T HAVE!" I yelled shrilly

Optimus held his hands up protectively. "Woah, down boy! It was a joke."

I didn't smile.

Optimus frowned at me. "I think you need a vacation."

I made a noise the sounded suspiciously like 'no shit Sherlock'. Optimus chose to ignore it. "Since you seem so eager to work, run down to the medical bay and pick up Rodimus." 

I looked at him suspiciously. "What's Rodimus doing at the medical bay?"

Optimus coughed nervously. "Well, um, you see Rodimus was found trying to jump off the Headquarters roof."

I stared at him in disbelief. "Why on Cybertron would he do that!?"

Optimus stared fixedly at the wall behind my head. "Apparently, as far as we could figure out since his vocals seemed to be somewhat damaged-"

"Oh?" I inquired, trying really hard not to laugh.

Optimus glared. "-he said that he was being chased my rabid Earth chickens bent on universal domination or something like that."

I nodded knowingly. "Yeah, it happens."

"Indeed… well anyways, run down and pick him up. And tell him I said he has the day off to recover."

I nodded and Optimus turned around and walked out. A second later he poked his head back into the office and said. "Oh by the way, you may also take the day off with Rodimus. I want you to watch him and make sure he's ok."

"Yes sir." I said, pleased to have the day off. "I won't let him out of my sight."

"Y-You do that." Optimus, having a very hard time keeping his face strait. He quickly ducked his head back out. I was staring at the spot where Optimus' head had been when I suddenly heard Optimus running down the hallway, laughing his dainty little head off. I shook my head. "And he said _I _needed a vacation. Ha! I haven't had a vacation in centuries! Kids nowadays…"

~~~Medical Bay~~~

Rodimus felt someone knocking loudly on his head, and he forced his optics open. He found himself staring up at the beautiful form of Arcee.

"Hey there beautiful." He said slyly. Slowly getting up and stretching his body out, he looked very openly up and down Arcee's slender form. Arcee just looked at him in astonishment, her mouth hanging open.

"I always knew you had a thing for me. It's so nice of you to come by and pay me a visit." Rodimus said, and winked. Then suddenly remembering something, he jumped forward, grabbed Arcee by the shoulders, and asked frantically. "What time is it?!"

Arcee, who had been standing there staring at him in shock, glared "You have an internal clock you idiot, what kind of stupid question it that?!" she snapped.

"Oh right, my bad. Thanks for the help babe!" Rodimus said brightly and spanked Arcee before running out the door muttering something like, "I'm missing Sailor Moon!"

~~~Same place, same time~~~

I stared after Rodimus, my jaw practically dropping to the floor. Did he.... just.... spank me? _Please Primus, tell me that didn't just happen. I replayed the entire episode in my head. I had walked into the medical bay to pick up Rodimus, just like Optimus told me to and… I paused as a sudden thought struck me. __Optimus! This was his doing! I gasped out loud in astonishment. He made Rodimus gay! And now he likes __me! Oh man, this week just keeps getting worse and worse. __Please please__ Primus, tell me this isn't happening… I walked over to the wall and started to bang  my head against it. _

Thud. This isn't happening.

Thud. This isn't happening.

Thud. This…isn't happening.

Thud. This…isn't happening?

Thud… this… _is happening.   
  
I groaned. Aghhhh, damnit, it's happening. I think I'm going to be scarred for life. I can just imagine the conversation I'll have with my psychiatrist...  
  
__Doctor: Magnus, what seems to be the problem?  
Magnus: Well doctor, it seems my leader is sexually interested in me.  
Doctor: I see.... what led you to believe this?  
Magnus: Well doctor, he.... spanked me.  
Doctor: He.... spanked you?  
Magnus: Yes, he spanked me.  
Doctor: I see.... well, sucks to be you  
Magnus: ....  
  
Yup, I'm pretty sure that's how it's going to be. Excuse me while I go throw up… I'm serious! I don't think I'll ever be the same again. And I want you, the reader, to think VERY hard about what just happened. I want you to imagine the whole thing in your head. Rodimus Prime, the Autobot second in command, just __spanked me. __SPANKED ME GOD DAMNIT!! I'm getting to old for this….  
  
I turned around and looked in the mirror hanging on the wall. Critically I scan over myself, my eyes roaming up and down my body. Rodimus said I was beautiful.... what the __hell was he talking about?! I'm dead ugly! I've battle scars in places you wouldn't dream of!! Plus, I'm __way taller than him. He's puny! He's like a little midget compared to me! And I mean that in more than one way if you catch my drift…. AGH!! I gotta stop thinking like that! It's…warping my mind! I just gotta keep telling myself. __Magnus, you're strait. Magnus, you're strait. Magnus, you're strait.... _

I must have been standing there zoning out telling myself that for quite some time because the next thing I knew, Optimus was banging on my chest screaming at me. So of course, I freaked. I'm sure you would have too. So don't give me that look. 

"AHHHHH!! STOP TOUCHING ME!!" I shrieked. 

Optimus jumped back alarmed. "Down boy! I was just trying to get your attention. It looked like you were drugged or something. What did you do with Rodimus?"

I was still breathing heavily at this point, so I didn't comment. That, and I was too embarrassed to say anything. Did I just think Optimus was sexually assaulting me or something? _Stop it Magnus! You shouldn't even be thinking things like that! This isn't some hentai!_

…. Is it? 'Cause I'm going to be seriously pissed if it is. And why the hell does Optimus keeps saying 'Down boy!'?! I'm not a dog! 

I glanced in the mirror really quick. Nope, definitely not a dog. 


	5. KaBoom!

Here's Ch.5!! I'm amazed! You guys love my story!! All the reviews I get really help me keep going, so thanks again to everyone who reviewed!! The idea for this chapter jumped into my head, so I had to write it and get it out. I'm sure you're screaming at me to skip the BS and get on wit the story, so onward I go! ;) 

Seated in my beloved swivel chair, I sat at my desk, my fingers drumming repeatedly on its surface. I had no work that didn't involve leaving my office, something that I _really_ didn't want to do. Rodimus could be anywhere and I really don't want to talk to him. Somehow the _entire_ headquarters found out what had happened with me and Rodimus, and now I can't leave my office without someone sniggering at me or congratulating me. I can't decide which is worse... oh man, I hate my life. Maybe I should get a new job as a janitor or something. Less political intrigue. 

Hearing my pager beep, I unclipped it from my side at stared at the fluorescent text that flew across the screen. 

"_Cart your ass down to my office. We need to talk._" 

No need to ask who the message was from. Only Optimus would say something like _that_. He seems to enjoy the role as the tough-take-no-crap-or-I'll-break-your-head-open leader. For some reason I can't fathom, he only practices this on me. I think the whole universe is in on a massive conspiracy to make my life miserable. Maybe I should be flattered to get so much attention… or not. 

Heaving myself up out of my chair I walked towards my door…er…doorframe. The last thing I wasn't to do was leave my office, but Optimus specifically told me to 'cart my ass to his office'. _Hmmm… loopholes…loopholes… come on Magnus, think!! _ …Aha! I got it! He never said _all_ of me, he just said my ass! 

Patting myself on the back for having such a great idea I waltzed over to my copy machine. Humming to myself, I flipped open the cover and sat myself down on the scanner. With a flourish, I pressed the copy button and waited patiently as the scanner made a perfect copy of my ass. As the line on white light slowly moved across the scanner, I zoned out, staring at it intensely. In the back of my mind I seemed to hear a voice telling me that wasn't such a good idea. But it was so pretty….ohhhhh shiny object…. I stared transfixed at it before tearing my eyes away as the scan finished and pronounced itself done with a low beep.

I hopped off the copy machined and grabbed the picture of my ass. _Ultra Magnus, you are a genius!_ I gave the picture a big kiss. Optimus is going to serious beat the crap out of me, but it was worth it! Just imagine the look on his face… I'm sure I can bribe one of the surveillance camera guys to let my have a picture of it. Then I'll make hundreds of copies and sell them! Muahahahahaha! At least that way I'll get some cash. 

I waltzed back over to my desk and pressed the button labeled 'Blurr' on my intercom. I have the great honor of having Blurr as my secretary. He types fast. Very fast. After a moment, Blurr's high-pitched voice screamed out at me.

"ThisisBlurrwhatdoyouneed?" It took me a second to translate that. Why does he talk like that? It's really annoying. Maybe he has some kind of compulsive disorder. Heh, I should look that up.

"Errr Blurr this is Magnus. I need you to deliver something to Optimus for me." I said lazily into the intercom. 

"OkI'llbedownthererightaway." He answered quickly. "Isthereanythingelseyouwouldlikemetodo?"

"Actually yeah, bring a cart with you."

"Acart?" he asked

"Yeah a cart."

"Okthenyourtheboss." He answered and shut off the intercom.

I know what your thinking. Hasn't Blurr been through enough? Can't I just leave the poor guy in peace? I suppose I could. It would be the nice thing to do. But look at it this way. I've got a black and seriously pissed off leader, a gay second in command who has just recently spanked me, I have no door to my office, I've got a Rodimus sized dent in my wall that's going to cost a fortune to fix not to mention the looks I'm going to get for having it there in the first place, and I've got the entire Autobot population coming by to either laugh at me or tell me what I lucky guy I am. So in case you can't tell, I'm not in the 'nice' mood today. 

As I waited for Blurr to show up, I grabbed a piece of paper and spent the time trying to make a paper swan. Do you know how they do it? I can never seem to figure it out. I don't think paper was meant to be a swan. Who would even think of making a swan by folding a piece of paper? Obviously someone with a lot of free time on their hands. I should look that up too. 

Distantly I could hear the squeak of rusty wheels as Blurr came down the hall, pushing a cart in front of him. I waited as the annoying noise got closer and closer until Blurr appeared in my doorway. He paused, confused as to why there was no door, only charred and blackened steel. Shrugging, he continued into my office. 

"Igotthecartyourequested." He said, snapping off a salute. I love it when he does that. Makes me feel important.

"Thanks. Now hold on a second." I grabbed a pen off my desk. Hurriedly I scrawled something on the back of the picture and grinned. I walked over to the cart and Blurr, who was looking at me in puzzlement, started to slowly edge away like I had some sort of disease. I put the picture of my ass to the bottom of the cart and turned to Blurr.

"SirIdon'tmeantoberudebutwhyareyousendingapictureofyourasstoOptimus?"

I shook my head and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry about that. Just make sure you deliver this to Optimus' office and that he gets it personally. Understand?" At this point, I'm dying to laugh. Man oh man I'm good. The idea in the first place was hilarious, but pinning it on Blurr? Pure genius.

"Yessir." Blurr said and saluted me again before turning the cart around and wheeling it back out of my office."

As soon as he's gone, I was on the floor, laughing. Maybe I'm over exaggerating the greatness of this, but I think I'm entitled to a little time in the spot light. And I don't get out much. 

            ~~~Optimus' Office~~~

Blurr reluctantly knocked on the office door of Optimus Prime. He didn't know what was going on, but he sure as hell knew he didn't want any part of it. 

"Enter." Came Optimus' voice through the door. Seriously doubting that this was worth it, Blurr opened the door and wheeled the cart inside. He stopped in front of Optimus' desk. 

"DeliveryfromMagnussir." He said and stepped away from the cart.

Optimus stood up from his chair behind his desk and walked over to examine the cart. Reaching down inside, he pulled out the picture Magnus had put in.

He stared at the picture of Magnus' ass in consternation. "What the hell is this supposed to be?!" he roared, turning on Blurr.

Blurr stepped away and cringed. "Idon'tknowsirI'mjustthedeliveryboy."

Optimus snarled and turned the picture over. Scrawled on the back of it was a short message.

As per your orders, I had my ass carted to your office. Unfortunately, the rest of my body couldn't make it. Have a nice day.

Ultra Magnus

…

…

… Hehe

Optimus' optics narrowed and began to glow a dangerous red. Without warning, he reached into subspace and grabbed his blaster. Fingers clenched around the gun, he turned the knob on the back of it all the way up, causing the gun to emit a loud hum and spark with energy. It was at this time Blurr decided to speak up.

"ErrrOptimussirIdon'tthinkyoushouldturnyourgunupthathigh. It'sratherdangerous."

Optimus growled, pointed his extremely powered up gun at the cart, and fired. 

"Oh shiiii--"

~~~Magnus' Office~~~

A thunderous boom shook the entire headquarters, causing the cup of energon in my hand to spill all over the reports I was looking over.

"What the--" I whirled around in my swivel chair and stared out the window. Located directly where Optimus' office was, a gigantic plum of smoke rose upwards. 

I stared at it in consternation. "Sheesh I didn't think he'd react like that." Shaking my head, I turned back to my work. Several minutes later I paused, hearing someone stomp down the hallway outside my door. Thinking it was Optimus, I looked frantically around for a weapon or some means of defense. 

"Oh man oh man I'm screwed." The only thing that could be a considered a weapon was the pen on my desk. I shrugged and picked it up. If worse comes to worse, I could always poke his optics out. 

The figure entered my office. At first I thought it was indeed Optimus, because the figure was, from head to toe, completely black. 

"Magnus" It snarled at me. It was then I realized that this bot was much shorter than Optimus. In fact, it kind of reminded me of…

"Blurr?!" I looked at him in astonishment. "What happened to you?" I wanted to say that he looked like Optimus' mini-me, but I think that was a little too cruel. "It looks like someone dumped a container of ink on you. 

Blurr marched up to me, glared at me, and punched me dead in the face. 

… I guess that was the wrong thing to say.

I flew backwards and slammed into the wall, leaving a nice Magnus sized dent next to the Rodimus sized dent. My wall is turning into a regular piece of art. 

I don't remember much after that. 


	6. Muahahaha

Ch.6 up and running! Hurah for me! Sorry for the long time between chapters. I've been very busy lately. ^grabs her computer and throws it out her window^ STUPID PIECE OF-- (the following sentence had been censored for your protection). And I have exams too. Yay for me. Excuse me while I go do my dance of joy. Oh yeah, there is a lot of sexual innuendo and junk like that in this chapter. Just thought I'd warn you. On with the fic!

"You've got to be kidding me." Ratchet stared at Optimus.

"No I'm quite serious." Optimus said.

"Don't you think you're…"

"I'm what?"

"Pushing it a little?" Ratchet offered.

"No way! This is war man. _War_." Optimus stressed. 

Ratchet snorted. "Yeah, whatever."

"You _have_ to do it!"

"I already did it once! You're pushing your luck."

"Well, wasn't the first time funny? Look at all the money you made!"

"Good point…but still no."

"Aghhhhh fine, be that way!" Optimus roared and stalked out of the Magnus' office. 

Ratchet shook his head. "Honestly, these three never stop!" he said, looking down and the prone Magnus lying on the floor. He gave him an experimental kick in the head. Magnus sparked a bit, but didn't move. Ratchet sighed, and walked over to Magnus' desk. He pressed the Blurr button on the intercom and waited for a response.

"ThisisBlurrwhatdoyouneed?" came his speedy reply.

"Errr this is Ratchet. Could you bring down a cart or something? I need to get Magnus to the medical bay."

There was a short pause and something that sounded suspiciously like a choked scream. "YeahsureI'llberightdown." He answered. There was a click as the intercom shut off.

Ratchet checked his internal clock. 

"Whoops, it's almost time. Better get a move on." He muttered to himself. Stealing Magnus' stapler, he hurried out of the office giggling. "I love staplers!" 

~~~A Random Room~~~

Ratchet hurried to the Random Room. Several dozen bots were scattered outside the room, talking idly and carrying popcorn.

"Your late!" somebody yelled.

"Aloha, sorry 'bout that. Had some Magnus trouble." He said. Someone sniggered. 

"Well hurry up!"

"Yeah yeah I'm going." He mumbled and stepped up to the door and unlocked it. "Hand me your tickets as you walk in. No ticket equals no admission." He said. One by one the bots filed into the room, each of them handing Ratchet a ticket before walking in. When everyone was inside, Ratchet went in and locked the door behind him.

"Ok ladies and gentlemen--"

"Ladies? Where?!" quite a few bots yelled and looked frantically around the room.

"Errr sorry, my bad. Didn't sell any tickets to women." Ratchet said apologetically.

"Why not?"

"Dunno. They said something about a party at Blurr's place and some Fritos."

Everyone was silent.

Ratchet cleared his throat. "One can only imagine what they're doing."

"Just get on with it!"

"Alright, I'm going." He said and walked over to a large screen TV against the wall. He picked up the remote and pressed a few buttons. The TV turned on but the picture was all fuzzy. Ratchet frowned at it and gave it a good solid kick. It sparked, then the picture cleared, showing someone walking down a hallway from a very low height.

"Is that Rodimus?" someone called out.

"Yeah, that's him. I put a hidden camera on him when Optimus opened a can-o-whoop-ass and sent him to the medical bay."

Jazz nudged Blaster who was standing next to him. "Three guesses where Ratchet put that camera." He whispered. 

Blaster eyed the screen. "Well from the looks of it, he put it… oh." He trailed off, staring at the TV in wide eyed astonishment. 

Jazz sniggered. "Makes you wonder what Ratchet does in his free time. Rodimus seems to show up at medical bay quite often."

"Just what are you insinuating?" Blaster asked.

He snorted. "Ratchet is gay. Just like Rodimus! Don't tell me you haven't noticed!" Jazz said incredibly. Blaster shifted around nervously. Jazz looked at him closely, then backed away. "Your gay too!" he exclaimed.

Blaster glared. "So? What's wrong with that?! It's not like I'm not allowed to be gay."

"Yeah, but then why the hell are there female Transformers? Aren't they there for the sex?"

Blaster shook his head. "In case you haven't noticed, nobody here has ever had sex with a fem before. Fems don't have sex with us guys. Have you ever heard anyone talking about havin' sex with a fem?" he pointed out.

Jazz paused and thought about it. "Now that you mention, no."

"See?"

"Yeah, but I've heard fems talking about how 'great it was last night' and junk like that. Who were they talking about?"

Blaster stared at him. Jazz stared back. Blaster raised his eye ridges. Jazz's eyes widened. "You mean…that they…just them…females…together?"

Blaster nodded. 

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"Why?"

"I just had this thought about Moonracer and Arcee. Excuse me a moment." Jazz said, and raced away.

Blaster sighed. "Honestly, you'd think he was created yesterday!"

"EVERYONE QUIET!" Ratchet yelled and the room fell silent. All eyes focused on the TV.

~~~The Bar~~~

Rodimus opened the door to the bar room, and stepped inside. It was full of drunken bots and the place reeked of high grade energon. Discreetly, all the patrons looked up at him, and whispered when he walked past and took a seat at the bar.

"Is that him?"

"Yeah. He's the guy after Magnus."

"He's gay then?"

"Yup."

"Hehehe. Twenty dollars says you can't get that gay group in the corner over there to hook up with him."

"You're on!"

After a heated discussion with the gay group in the corner and the exchanging of money, a plan was formed. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Rodimus looked over as a bot sat down next to him at the bar. It was Bumblebee. He watched as Bumblebee looked very openly up and down his form and grinned at Rodimus. Rodimus hurredly turned away. _Oh my god, I think Bumblebee is hitting on me_ he thought frantically.

"Wow Rodimus, did you get a new paintjob? You look very sleek…" Bumblebee purred. 

Rodimus looked at him in shock. "Excuse me?"

"You look very sexy, if you catch my drift." He said, looking slyly at him. 

"Errr thanks…I think." He said and turned away, only to come face to face with another bot who he didn't even know.

"Hey there Rodimus. I heard you used to be called Hot Rod." He said, looking sidelong at him.

Rodimus stared at him wearily. "Yeah, so?"

The strange bot smiled at him. "I was wondering if that name had any reality to it."

"What do you—" Rodimus started, but stopped as he watched the stranger's optics look down. Down where he really didn't want people looking.

"Excuse me, I have to go." He declared, and practically ran away from the bar and into the bathroom. As soon as he entered, every guy looked up from what they were doing and stared at him. He pointedly ignored them and walked over to a stall. He pushed open a door and was about to walk inside when he noticed that there was someone already in there. 

"Oh I'm sorry! I didn't think anyone was in here! My bad!" he said quickly and was about to back out when the bot grabbed his arm. The bot looked suspiciously like Kup, but he probably was just seeing things.

"Need some help?" he said suggestively, his thumb rubbing Rodimus' arm. Rodimus looked at him in alarm.

"No, no I'm fine. I'll just be going now." He said and threw himself out of the stall. He tripped over his feet and crashed to the floor.

"…ow." He muttered, then stared around suspiciously as the bots in the bathroom surrounded him and started to talk amongst themselves.

"Looks like he could use some help."

"He could use some help with a lot of things."

"Looks like he's bored. Maybe we should show him a good time."

"Yeah that's a great idea. Let's take him to my place."

"Cool, lets all go! I'm sure Rodimus would be glad to have our… _help_."

The bots giggled and heaved Rodimus to his feet. He pulled back and tried to get away.

"No thanks, really! I'm fine!" he said frantically.

"Nonsense! You're coming with us. Tie him up boys, we've got a live one!" The group cheered and tied Rodimus up with ropes that they pulled out of Primus knows where. They lifted him up and carried him out the back door of the bathroom.

"NO NO I DON'T WANNA GO!" he screamed. The group just grinned wickedly at each other.

"Oh boy, we're gonna have some _fun_ tonight!"

* * *


	7. La de da de da

Ch. 7!!! *cringes* I know, I know. Took me forever to update. But I have a good excuse, written for me by one of my good friends. *pulls out a slip of paper* *reads it* "I was whacked upside the head with a tree and had amnesia for a few days (can't remember exactly) until I was thrown into a pool of macaroni and cheese and had to spend a week in the hospital for almost drowning and suffered from major depression because the Raiders lost the Super Bowl, at which point I got my memory back and suffered through another depression because my life sucks and someone ate all my Ritz Bits and I'm going through caffeine withdrawals." *beams*   So, how was your week? 

~~~The Random Room~~~

The assembled bots in the Random Room stared at the TV, mouths hanging down and optics wide open.

From the TV, hysterical screams and giggles could be heard as well as several unidentifiable sounds.

Sideswipe looked over at Ratchet, who was standing next to him. He nudged Ratchet in the side.

"What are they doing?" he whispered.

Ratchet turned to stare at him. "I couldn't honestly tell you, I've never seen anyone do that before. I think I remember reading about it somewhere. It's something that the humans do to amuse themselves." He whispered back.

Sideswipe eyed the screen. "I didn't know that we could bend that way."

Ratchet looked at the screen as well. "Yeah, that's actually pretty impressive."

There was a loud thud from the TV and a massive cheer from the TV and the people gathered in the room. 

"I got 20 bucks on Bumblebee!" someone shouted. 

"Hell no! I'll put 20 bucks on Rodimus!" Blaster shouted back into the crowd.

Jazz nodded. "Yeah, Rodimus has stamina. Look at him go!"

"You're all wrong! Kup definitely has the upper hand. He's had years of experience! Mirage yelled from the back of the room.

The guy next to him laughed. "Yeah, you would know!"

There was a loud yell from the TV and everyone stopped what they were doing, eyes riveted on the screen.

"Kup is loosing it!"

"I don't think he can hold on much longer!"

"But Kup's on top! If he goes, he's taking everyone with him!"

"I don't know, Rodimus looks like he's got a pretty good foothold…"

The room was dead silent for a minute. Everyone unconsciously leaned to towards the screen, holding their breath. 

From the TV the came a loud metallic thud and several groans. There was mad scrambling on the screen and then, from both the room and the TV, there was a loud cheer the one bot emerged victorious.

Blaster turned around and faced the crowd, grinning. "Ha! Rodimus is still standing!" There were several grumbles and a few groans and several wads of money made their way through the crowd and into Blasters waiting and eager hands. Blaster gleefully began flipping though the bills, counting them. 

"Ha, I'm richer than you are!" Blaster said to Jazz, nudging him in the ribs.

Jazz sighed and stared at his feet. "I would have won too if only I had bet on Rodimus."

Blaster draped his arm around Jazz's shoulder. "It's alright good buddy, I buy you a drink!"

Jazz grinned up at him. "Really?"

Blaster looked down at him. "NO!" he yelled and, laughing hysterically, he turned and walked towards the door.  

Jazz stared after him and burst into tears.

"Alright everyone, show's over!" Ratchet yelled over the din of the crowd and several bots stood up and headed for the door, laughing and talking amongst themselves.

"No it's not, look! They're going for a second round!" Mirage yelled from the back of the room. 

Ratchet frowned at him and turned back to the TV. His optics widened. "They really _are_ going for a second round! Primus, these people are _amazing_!"

The room went silent again as everyone sat back down in their seats, grinning as they anticipated another exciting round.

_~~~The Party~~~_

Kup shook his head. "Sorry Bumblebee, that's enough for me for one night. I don't think I could last another go anyways."

Bumblebee shrugged. "It's alright, I'm done too. But we still got Rodimus and it looks like Prowl's gonna join in."

Kup laughed. "If you ask me, Prowl just wants to get a bit closer if you catch my drift."

Bumblebee punched him lightly in the arm. "Hey, well all know he's Magnus' guy. He's off limits."

Kup shrugged. "Whatever."

The two stood there silently, leaning against the door and watching the competition between Prowl and Rodimus. During a pause in the cheering and yelling, Kup frowned and turned to Bumblebee.

"Do you hear something?" he asked.

Bumblebee cocked his head to the side and listened. "Errrr yeah I think so. It sounds like… footsteps?"

No sooner had he said that then the door burst open with a loud slam and Optimus stalked in and announced. "Surprise inspection!" The room went deathly quiet. He glared around at the bots. Everyone looked up at him fearfully. Optimus eyed them and slowly moved around the room, staring at everything and poking things that looked suspicious. He reached a tangled mass of bots and stared at them in shock. 

"What in holy hell are you doing?!" he exclaimed. He bent down and picked up a white square box. He stared at the cover then rounded on the assembled bots. 

"What in Primus' name is going on here?!" he roared. 

Everyone in the room pointed at Rodimus. "It was his idea!!!"

Rodimus looked at the crowd in shock. "My idea?! How the hell was it my idea??"

Bumblebee glared. "Don't give us that innocent crap!"

"But--"

"QUIET!" Optimus yelled. "Rodimus, report to my office, NOW!"

"But I swear I didn't--"

"SHUSH! As for the rest of you, I am ashamed of you! Parties are hereby against the rules! Anyone found at a party will be stripped of his rank, no questions asked. Is that understood?"

"Yes, sir." The crowd mumbled dispiritedly. Optimus nodded in satisfaction and marched out of the Random Room, Rodimus at his heels. 

Bumblebee turned to Kup and screamed hysterically. "No parties! NO PARTIES!"

Kup sighed and stared at his feet. "…damn."

~~~Optimus' Office~~~

"Care to explain what you and those bots were doing?" Optimus asked.

Rodimus eyed him. _Should I lie? It seems like the best option. Optimus won't believe the truth anyways. So who should I blame it on? Anyone at the party is definitely out of the question. And I don't know anyone else who wasn't supposed to be somewhere… except Magnus. Ha, Magnus is the perfect scapegoat! Optimus is still pissed about that picture of his ass thing. Hehehe, this is too perfect!_

"Well sir, we heard Magnus talking about this Earth thing he read about on the Internet. It sounded fun and he had everything we needed so we decided to go ahead and try it. We figured that since Magnus did it all the time, there was nothing wrong. Obviously we were mistaken. You have my sincerest apologies." Rodimus said with a strait face and mentally whacked himself upside the head. _Idiot! That sounded so stupid. You have my sincerest apologies? You sound like suck up_

Optimus glowered. "Magnus you say? Well we'll just have to see about that. Rodimus, you are dismissed."

Rodimus heaved an inward sigh of relief and hurried out of the office.

~~~Magnus' Office~~~

I was lazily doing some reports and fiddling with my pen when I heard a loud knock on my door… uh, doorframe. I _really_ gotta get that fixed, and hurrah for me, I had company.

"Enter." I called. The door opened and Optimus walked in. I stared up at him in surprise. 

"Optimus, sir, I wasn't expecting you. Can I help you with something?" I was, of course, thinking of something more along the lines of 'what the hell do you want?' but I thought I'd go for the polite approach. 

"As a matter of fact, yes. I was wondering if you could explain _this_." He said, and plopped a white cardboard box on my desk. I stared at it, perplexed. It was a plain white box with the word 'Twister' stamped across the front in red.

"Twister?" I asked, confused. An Earth game? Was this some sort of joke? Because I was seriously not in the mood.

"I was informed that this belongs to you. It was used during a party earlier today for some very unorthodox things." He answered steadily.

I snorted and shook my head. "No sir, you must have me confused with someone else."

What happened next was quite unexpected. Optimus walked around my desk, grabbed me by my shoulders, kicked my window open, and dangled me several stories above the grounds below. Oh joy, what fun. In spite of myself, I screamed hysterically. I'm afraid of heights.

"Oh?" he said cheerfully. "Are you positive?"

I think at this point it was safe to say that Optimus had officially lost his mind. Or he was having fun. I can't decide which is worse. His sense of humor isn't exactly...normal.

"I'm pretty positive, sir. Have you asked Rodimus about it yet?" I answered shakily. I was scared out of my mind. 

His grip tightened and he snarled at me. Ok, wrong thing to say.

"Maybe Spike or Daniel left it here." I said, changing tactics.

His eyes narrowed. Is that good or bad? I can't tell from my position. Optimus stays silent.

"Ok ummm…" I tried again but I was fresh out of ideas.

Suddenly, I heard someone run into my office and screech at the top of his lungs. "OPTIMUS!" Heh, it's Rodimus. Must have been important. How comforting. 

Optimus jumps in surprise and accidentally lets go of me. Dead serious. A thousand thoughts flashed through my mind and chief among them was 'Well this sure is an embarrassing way to die'. I grab frantically for the windowsill. My fingers graze it but before I can get a good grip, I begin to plummet. And it's a _long_ way down. 

Optimus stared out the window in consternation. "Whoops…"


	8. Chapter Eight

I… updated…. O.o What a strange turn of events. *clears throat* Anyways, I bring to you chapter 8! Aptly named Chapter 8, for lack of a better… wittier name. So unless you can come up with a better one, BE HAPPY! Hurrah! Sheesh… I had to reread the fic cause I had forgotten where I left off. Bad Delas, bad! I'm a horrible author -_-*… Well I hope this is one of those 'har har that was funny' sort of thing. I love making people laugh. Almost as much as I love reviews *not so subtle hint* 

4/14/03- I went through and fixed all the grammar mistakes. Can't believe I missed some of those… gotta stop writing at one o'clock in the morning…I need a beta reader… 

Optimus stared at his email in confusion. _The NAACP? _

"What the hell...?" he muttered and double-clicked it open. He quickly scanned it over. Then punched his computer monitor halfway across the room.

"MAGNUS!"

~*~*~  ~*~*~  ~*~*~  ~*~*~  ~*~*~  ~*~*~  ~*~*~ 

Ratchet lifted his head from his current work and as a distant disturbance caused the room to vibrate slightly.  

"What the hell...?" he muttered and put down the report he was reading, just as his intercom buzzed.

"Hello, Ratchet here." Ratchet answered, getting a serious case of déjà vu. 

"RATCHET? WHERE'S MAGNUS?!" Optimus' voice tore through the com. Ratchet cringed as sparkers flew.

"I'M GOING TO KILL HIM! WHERE IS HE?!"

"Oh. In that case, he's right here. Med Room 52. Been here for a few days since that… ermmmm… window cleaning accident. Though why he was cleaning your windows Optimus, I'll never know."

Ratchet heard Optimus let out a nervous noise from his vocals through the com. 

"Yes ermmm well… are you SURE he's been there the whole time?"

"I'm certain." Ratchet confirmed. 

"How certain?" Optimus asked. 

"Pretty damn certain." Ratchet answered. 

"How can you be so certain?"

"Well, considering he has no working legs, I highly doubt he got up and walked out without my noticing it. And he's not exactly the quietest guy in the world." 

"Oh. Well in that case, this conversation never happened."

"Right." Ratchet turned off the intercom and stared at it for a minute, then shrugged and went back to work.

~*~*~

Optimus stared at his hands, twiddling his thumbs in boredom and confusion. _If Magnus is still there, then who could have done it? They mentioned Magnus, said that he referred me to them… maybe they were wrong. Could have been someone else… someone like…whoa, I just had one major sense of déjà vu. _

Decided on _something_, Optimus stood up from his desk and strode out the door, idly wondering if Magnus had gotten his door fixed or if people were still streaming into his office, hoping to steal his stapler. Magnus had a very _nice stapler. A good red one, like in the movie Office Space (luv that movie). __Note to self: see if anybody has taken Magnus' stapler yet. I could use a new one._

~*~*~  ~*~*~  ~*~*~  ~*~*~  ~*~*~  ~*~*~  ~*~*~ 

Hearing a knock at his door, Rodimus peered through the peephole and let out a yelp of surprise to see Optimus standing there, fuming. Hurriedly, he fumbled with the locks and opened the door. 

"Optimus old buddy! Where have you been lately? The guys have been missing you! And, from what I hear, so have some of the ladies…"

"Can the sweet talk Rodimus. I have to talk with you."

Rodimus fidgeted nervously and glanced around the room. 

"Oh? What can I help you with?" he asked in an as innocent voice as possible. Not that he was very good at it. Which, of course, Optimus know fully well. He's not a _complete_ moron. He has his moments. Actually, this was going to be one _big moment. _

"Do you know what the NAACP is?"

"Would you take no as an answer?"

"If there was money involved, maybe. Now answer the question." Optimus said, underlying his words with the veiled threat of his fist hovering inches in front of Rodimus' face.

"_Ok ok_. I _really don't know what the… what was it you called it? The NCAA? Well I don't know what it is. Why do you ask?"_

"The NAACP." Optimus corrected. "And it's a good thing you don't, because otherwise I'd have to kill you."

"Really? Why?"

"Well apparently, someone got in contact with them and told them I would make a great 'spokesman' for their little group."

"Ok, I'm with you so far." Rodimus said. "So why would you make such a great 'spokesman'? Why didn't they pick me? Everyone knows I'm _way sexier than you'll ever be."_

Optimus pointedly ignored that remark. Gotta stay focused. "The NAACP stands for… ugh Primus, what was it… something really weird… the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People."

"Colored people? Hell, we're all colored! You're red, Arcee is pink… I've got the cool flame thing goin' on…"

Optimus whacked him upside the head.

"Colored as in black you nimrod."

"But you're not…"

"…" Optimus was silent, his eyes daring Rodimus to finish the statement

"Uh..." Rodimus frantically searched for something to day, and decided on a little sucking up.

"Whoa, that's horrible! Who would do such a thing to you?!"

Optimus slung his arms around Rodimus' shoulders, gently patting him on the shoulder. He leaned in close to Rodimus' face.

"That," he whispered conspiratorially, "is what you're going to do for me. You have two days to find the person responsible, or I'll have Ratchet slap on a breast plate and turn you into a femme."

Rodimus look distinctly distraught. That gave Optimus a small sense of satisfaction. Not a big one, mind you. Rodimus wasn't that hard to intimidate. One time, Daniel had brought a dog to HQ. It was this big old German Shepherd, really nice and friendly. Well Rodimus took one look at it and freaked out. It was probably the four legs. Big numbers like that always confused him. 

"Yes, sir." He confirmed meekly.

Optimus smiled to himself. _Good dog…_

~*~*~ ~*~*~ One day later ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ 

Beep… beep… beep… beep… beep…

_Ignore it. Just ignore it._

Beep… beep… beep… beep… beep…

_No really. Ignore it. They'll stop calling after a while._

Beep… beep… beep… beep… beep…

_Come on, where's you're self control?! You've stood for hours on the battle field, never flinching while facing horrible destruction and dismemberment! Don't let a puny insignificant phone call ruin that image! Be proud! Be all that you can be! __Join the army _

Beep… beep… beep… beep… beep…

"AGHHHHHHHH." Optimus roared and picked up the phone.

"Hello, Optimus Prime speaking." He said pleasantly. Anyone with any shred of common sense would have killed themselves on the spot to save themselves the misery. He was using the Voice Of Doom™. None could resist its calling. Doom is approaching… muahahahaha…

"Hello, this is the Carl Mitch with the NAACP. We talked earlier on the phone about our proposal. We gave you a few days to think about it and were hoping you would have a response by now." 

Optimus drummed his fingers on his desk and swiveled nervously in Magnus' stolen swivel chair. (I know, I know. Magnus deserved to have that chair. I'm cruel)

"Look, I don't know what kind of mental block you have buddy, but get this through you're thick skull. _I'm not black."_

"Now sir, it's not something to be ashamed of. We here at the NAACP want you to feel proud of your heritage. We feel that all blacks should have an equal place in society. Long have we been oppressed… and you're our savior."

"I'm not sure I'm following you here…"

"We need to bring ourselves into the public eye. We need someone important, someone the public can identify with. After seeing the photo we received, I must say, you'd be perfect for the job."

"Ok, hold the phone--" Optimus began. 

"Mr. Prime, you could become the savior of the oppressed people!" Carl yelled excitedly.

"I'M NOT BLACK!" Optimus screamed at him.

"Ok, look dude. I saw your picture! And let me say… you're _black." he protested._

"I haven't always looked like that!"

"Then what was it?! A reverse Michael Jackson?" Carl exclaimed.

Optimus let out a long-suffering sigh. 

"Here, let me spell it out for you. If you so much as even _think about calling me again, I'll send over my evil pet Chihuahua to shove a cactus up your--"_

Carl pulled at his tie nervously.

"Mr. Prime, no need to get creative."

"My friend… you haven't even begun to see creative. Everything pales in comparison to what I'm going to do." Optimus said dangerously.

"And that is?" Carl asked nervously.

"Oh… you'll know it when you see it." 

Disclaimer: Don't mean to diss the NAACP. I totally respect their work. 


End file.
